The sun squashes all cats!

This news, I know, is shocking, but I can think of no other explanation for the odd behaviour that the cats have been exhibiting the past few days. I first noticed this strange gravitic anomaly at the beginning of the week, when I noticed  Princess Trousers laying very still on a window sill.

Splat.

She showed no signs of being able to move, even when I poked her in the ribs with my nose. all she could manage was to open one baleful eye, full of the promise of death.
Curious, but not unheard of behaviour from her.
Later that same day, I found Mystery, crammed into a discarded BBQ tray. Some unspeakable act of war, perpetrated by one of the others, or was he walking over it when struck with something heavy.....LIKE THE SUN!

Ker-splot!

Pie was nowhere to be seen, until it got dark. He then proceeded to try and get as far away from the ground as he could, with a misguided idea that the further away from the ground he was, the longer the squashing sun would take to smoosh him flat. This seemed to involve climbing up me and going to sleep on my shoulder.

Fuzz parrot.

Later he practiced his "I am  squished flatter than a surrendering bug" pose.

Superman! I am it!

The sun has sent them a bit odd, and also rather floppy. Top cat scientists have worked out that when the sun comes out, it forces extra gravity out with the heat, and cats are susceptible to the changes in gravity < as anyone who has seen a cat jump, only to pause, matrix style, and wiffle through the air will know> Its the reason lions lay down a lot. What makes this even more amazing is that cats cannot use calculators, so they must have done it all with slide rules.
Mim tried to avoid the weight of the sun by making a nest in a bush, which seems to have partly worked, as she had enough freedom of movement to sniff at some branches, which were relevant to her interests.

Queen of pain one, sun nil.

Twig inhalation. A rarely seen cat hobby.

Sadly the boy was caught out, and received the full weight of the solar orb. Struggle as he may, he was unable to break free of its terrible bonds, apart from the brief moment when the sun wasn't loking, and he made it to the shade of the shed.

Sun one, Mystery nil.

Today was much the same all round. except the cats found new places to get subjugated by our stellar neighbor.

The sun, it's just a big glowing bully.

They seem disinclined to do much to each other at the moment.
Other cat observers around the UK have apparently seen the same behaviour, with their furry  friends being found upside  down on kitchen floors, or slumped sideways on carpets. The sun must be stopped!

Painting a hare, step by step. Mim messily eats rodents.

As this blog was meant to actually be about painting, but has been Hijacked by hairy fiends, I thought I'd redress the balance. I know this will come as a disappointment to most, as cats are clearly the priority, but more of them later.
In major news, I have been fast tracked onto the business start up scheme! I start the short course and getting a business plan done, starting monday. It's all happened very fast, and I am both excited and pant poopingly frightened.
For now though.........  A hare, in pieces. Not hit-by-a-land-mine pieces, but in thin non bacon slices.

First of all, you have to sketch the beasty, using a photo or digital image as reference material <unless you have an eidetic mind, which lets face it, I don't>   For this picture I used a composite of digital images. You can use a "wire frame" style of initial geometric shapes if you feel the need, but I like hares and am familiar with them <but not in a witchy way,> so i could block all the elements together without much fuss.

Next I tend to block in major colour elements of the painting. In this case the legs, haunches, and some of the fur are a lighter tone, or different texture from the rougher back fur so I highlighted them with a wash. I then made some coffee, and played Battlestar Galactica online for a while, and stretched my back

Coffee break over I made a darker wash for the other fur areas, applied it and then blended with a water pen and left to dry. This enabled me to make dinner.

Dinner having been eaten, and more coffee <working juice>, I moved on to adding some of the darker tones to the piece, and blending them with the water pen whilst listening to Nightwish. The opeatic metal isn't a necessity, but I like it.Using the water pen means you can push the paint around a fair bit, and remove mistakes.

Stopping to go for a pee, and then losing my favourite brush <it was in my hair -  the brush, not my pee>, I carried on, adding the grey tones to the ears and haunches, and starting to put in details, like claws, leg tendonns and a scary demonic orange blob for an eye. More swearing, sore back, Add coffee and pain killers.

Next I finished the eye, using paint neat from the tube, as the more concentrated pigments I find easier to do tiny details with and they are brighter, I also added definition and shading to the ears, limbs, tail, and back.

Heres a close up of the face. I also added an yellow ring around the pupil, to try and capture the hares inherent "screw you" attitude. If you have ever seen a live one close up, you will know what I mean. Add more coffee, watch Mim noisily devour a mouse.

Finally, having touched up some more shading, I used a watercolour pencil to add the whiskers, and a medium/thin wash, with a fan brush, to apply the fur detail.


So there you have it. One brown hare, running like the Queen of pain herself was after it.
Speaking of which, her is her ladyship messily nomming a mouse that was stupid enough to exist.

Om nom no...oi oi oi oi!

face/paw action! Sentry cat watches.

Peaceful coalition? Truce? Or hoping the queen of pain doesn't spot them?

Well folks, the war has resumed, after several weeks of truce <the truce may have been due to the unseasonal rain, as cats can't fight in scuba gear>.  Today was sunny! And as a result the feline megalomaniacs have been out trying to own each other. Well, by "feline megalomaniacs" I actually just mean Mim. Her trick today, I observed whilst getting the mud off of my tent in the garden. She sits on the roof, like queen of the world, or possibly a scarily large Meer cat, and when opportunity presents its self , she dashes down and paffs her foe into insensitivity.

Boldly she watches for her prey.

.....The she gets a target lock

Then she ends you.

Do not be fooled by the fluffy picture of perfect pinky toeness! she can deliver a paff to another cat that sends them boss eyed with angst and pain, and  can make a cute slapping noise on a human. Pray she does not employ her razor claws.

Mystery seems to be less than totally impressed by the antics of the fluff tailed ninja, and spent most of the day asleep on our neighbours roof. He was out of the way enough to avoid a direct assault, and was still enough that  the flat eyed dervish probably thought he was a rock or some such. I personally think he is biding his time, and waiting for Mim to slip up, as she will no doubt do one day. Then he will mess her up.

A picture of sun and patient retribution

Poor old Pie decided to run out of the back door and met mim coming the other way, this resulted in a paff war of truly epic proportions. I watched and sang the star trek fight music, as both cats sat on their back legs and did jazz hands at each other, teeny white paws flailing, whiskers getting bent, and face fur rumpled. Truly it was a sight to behold.  Mim ran off into the underbrush, whilst Poor old pie limped into the house and put on his tin foil battle helmet, before  breaking wind, and falling asleep on the sofa.

send my mothership nao!

No more bits of wildlife have been  slaughtered in the past couple of days, so I am guessing Mim has finished her prayers to her dark gods, and they have blessed her spring offensive. You have been warned.

Didn't we have a lovely time, the day we met cathulhu?

Updated, belated, and a kitty gyrated.

I am back! I have had a busy spurt, combined with my natural forgetfulness, and being coated in mud and then deep frozen at a Live Roleplay event.... well thats my excuses and I stand by them.
I have picked up a job from a  well known zoological establishment for some art, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention the establishment at the moment, until its all signed off. But it IS good to know people like my work. Likewise, I may have some stocked in small tourist shop soon. I'm going to send  query/abusive/ downright threatening emails to some galleries and arty shops too. Especially the more flammable ones. <Kidding, I'd never burn a shop down... but Mim might>
The thing with the government is going well too. I'm going for some training in the art of running a business, and then I can start on the  <quite frankly pant piddlingly scary> road to self employment and financial terror.

I may be a colossal arse, but i can't help but like his bird pictures.

News in the world of cats:
Mystery has decided to gnaw his own bum off, and  I'm not sure why. I think it may have something to do with Mims crimes against birds <more later>, and as a reformed bird murderer he is doing some sort of Buddhist priest type protest. Luckily he has no thumbs, so he hasn't set fire to himself. It's either that, or he had a flea allergy. Either way it looks very sore at the moment.
He went to sleep on my head the other night, as I sat on the sofa . Pie was on my lap, snoring and smelling awful, and the boy <wisely> decided that my head was a safer sleeping spot than the spare cushion, where he might get breathed on. He is odd. I believe Ruth took a pic of him getting into position. I shall find it and add it.
After a brief soujourn as "other peoples cat", Tiger has a new collar that tells people not to feed him, as the hairy chancer will eat the neighbors out of house and home. He is still shouting like a mad tramp with pants on his head, first thing in the morning. But  ONLY AT ME! He just looks at ruth with thin eyes, and giver her the poor paw routine.
Speaking of tiger, Here is a picture I took the other day, as I lay in bed. This is what I see first thing in the morning.

food time now plz? Or I fart again, oh and i was in the bin whilst you slept. Good morning.

That look? That is the thin eye. He has also taken to sleeping on my hand, a bit like Mim, but with less finger chewing <see below>

None shall leave, pillow human!

 Mim has been killing again. One slightly mouldy thrush type thing was discovered hidden under the dining table, like some stink grenade. She has also been killing Bluetits and messily eating them in front of her mother. When the killing has abated, and her terrible thirst for blood has been temporarily slaked, she has been zooming round the house with her tail rotating like a fluffy propellor. She is also odd.
This evening she went to sleep sucking my thumb. It was both cute and highly disturbing, as when i tried to get my finger free <having my digits in a  predators mouth doesn't appeal to me, especially a predator I have seen bite off a mouses face>, she stuck her claws into my hand and looked at me as if to say "move it, and you will regret it, sirrah"

Camouflaged against any surface, predator cat bides her time.

In revenge, I have been making her heeb and dance for cheese dreamies.
I will add the pic of the boy as soon as I find it.

It's been a while. Hence this is long.

I've not posted since the eighth of April!   Very slack and I am most sorry. Many things have been happening, and mostly for the good. Firstly It was Ruths birthday, so we went to beaumaris for a bit of a stroll, and some light shopping, followed by the worlds most epic fudge coated birthday cake EVER. I made it all myself, and may have gone a bit over the top with the icing, as it was about an inch thick, and the cake was tall enough that it would have given a Tyranosaur gob strain, and so sweet, we could see through time by eating it.

Better than Stegosaur.

Also, The government seem to want me to be able to set up doing paining, and making things with pictures on them, for a living, which is great. So I'm working with an assembly funded scheme to egt things running... watch this space.

We went down to See our friends Steve, Pip, and their son Caleb a week or so ago too. Always a pleasure to visit them, even if the journey down did take about seven hours instead of three, as the weather was awful, and people drove like  they were holding the wheel with their mouthes, which is why they kept smashing into stuff. On saturday we went to the Marwell consevation park, where Steve is a teacher. I can see why he loves working there so much, the place is totally cool, and I advise you all to visit. They have posing porn lemurs.

We love you long time.

Inverted Amur Leopards, who just want a belly fuss, the teasing teasing ubermims.

There is the ultimate paff war, waiting to happen.

And Snow Leopards. Snow leopards are essentially dandelion clock that would rip your face off, if they could be bothered to get up and stop showing their delightful bellys.

Blow on my fluff, I dare you.

aw look, its aslee....ARGH MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

Much fun was had. There were loads of other beasties, some of which looked delicious, which would explain their endangered status. However, the big cats, and the penguins were the highlights for me. May I also add, hippos smell. Really really smell. Like unwashed tramps underwear on a hot summers day, when they have been storing  cheddar in them to keep it safe from the mice.

Steve  and Pip have two cats. This pleases me. There is Loki, and Jones.

Loki.
A.K.A Doofus, Mr Mo, MoMo, Moki.
Appearance . take a normal sized cat head, and stick it on the body of a four legged dump truck. He is a goliath, like a furry AT-AT. He has jet black shiny fur, yellow eyes, a proud nose and seems to be made from play dough. May have claws, but is not sure what they are for. Squeaks like a mouse.
Demeanour Quite shy, but friendly once he is used to you, Likes to play fetch with balls of paper,  quite a chatty soul too, if you like little meeping noises. Fights a lot with Jones, when he is not trying to hump her, or laying in the sun.
Territory Anywhere the sun hits. * see below

I have spotted the rebels  shield generator.

Jones
A.K.A Mrs B, Bones, The ginger freak, Boobs.
Appearance Small, cute, snub nosed. Lovely silky soft marmalade fur, and pristine white trousers, Precious little white paws. More claws than a velociraptor. Doesn't purr but says "boof" to a lot of things. As yet undecided as to the meaning of "boof" Could be good, could mean death.
Demeanour Snooty  and timid, but can be fussed eventually, for about two seconds, then says "boof" and runs away. Savage ambush predator who bides her time after Loki's aborted humping attempts, the beats the living hell out of him. Entranced by cardboard tubes with paper sticking from them. Despises and yearns to eat all forms of life.
Territory The bed, Calebs window sill. Chair backs, fish tanks, sunny spots < contested with Loki>

"boof"

These two have a complex relationship, one that is beyond the knowing of humans, Obvious only to other cats, and even then, I think they'd end up on Jeremy Kyle < cat edition>


Tommorow I shall tell you what our  silly beasts have been up to. It involves tin foil hats, for a start.

A field guide to the cats.

As I promised, herein lies some things to help with the identification of the triumvirate of evil that rules our house with a paw of iron. < A cat with iron paws would be awesome in a paff* fight > Also included is a glossary of terms used in the household, to describe the actions that are undertaken in the war for soft furnishing supremacy.


Madame Mim:
A.K.A The queen of pain, Princess trousers*, Long toe, Mimlet, The Mimsicle, Ninja leg,  Mimulator.
Appearance: A small Calico cat, with one black front leg, precious little white paws <with unusually long toes>, a bandit mask, half and half coloured ears, and a tail like a toilet brush. She is has little white fangs, and more spikey clawed bits than is considered appropriate in polite society.
Demeanor: Generally self possessed and moderately affectionate around humans. Suffers bouts of rage when turned upside down, and boops* noses  as a show of displeasure. Around other cats, she feigns an attitude of indifference, until they get within striking range.
Territory: Fairly much anywhere she wishes, as most of the local cats are scared witless of her. Prefers the bedroom, but will settle without notice on any surface, especially if said surface is needed for something.

Then BLAM! She eats your face.

Mystery:
A.K.A The boy, Lord Heebington, Mystery T. Cat, The do, Mr nose for a nose, The heebus*, The plimper*

Appearance: Large, black, and shiny. He is a sleek mass of rippling muscle, with a saggy belly. Looks dignified, even though his pinky tongue sticks out quite often. Heavily scarred from a life of combat, putting his face into things he shouldn't and maybe even squirrel related wounds. Has fangs a sabre toothed cat would be proud of, and has kitchen devil blades for claws. Slightly greying around the ruff, and walks with a limp, a result of stopping a speeding car with his pelvis.
Demeanor: Lovey and a bit skittish with humans. Keeps to himself, and is quite quiet around other cats, unless they get too close, or sniff him. Is prone to outbursts of mad running about chasing stuff, is a ferocious killer, and wanted by the court of mice for genocide. Catnip addict.
Territory: The spare room, all boxes within the house, the bean bag, and any shopping bags or paper left on the floor.

The warrior in repose.

Tiger:
A.K.A The belly, Pider, Mr Pie, The apricot nightmare, The orange horror, Fuzzbag, "that bloody cat", Old man, Fatty fat fat fat .

Appearance: The real life Bagpuss. Old, limps as his front right foot is a bit arthritic, is a mass of ginger and white teddy bear fur that sticks out in all directions <and randomly litters the floor with pielets*> has one squinchy* eye from a possibly Mystery inflicted battle wound. Is mostly made of ribs, and has a cannon ball for a belly. Sneezes in faces, farts a lot, and is followed by a slightly eggy smell. Does have fangs and claws but is not very keen or able to use either, unless food is involved.
Demeanor: Quite shy and timid with people until he gets to know them, unless you have food, then you are automatically in his good books. Will sit on any part of any food giving human, covering them in fluff. Is mean and antagonistic to other cats when the food fork comes out, and is quite capable of eating his own bodyweight in anything, including other cats sick.  Masterful scrounger, giving the thin eye* to people just to get extra food. He would be a confidence trickster if he had thumbs. At other times, he has been known to be very sweet and friendly to the other cats, including peeping* conversations with Mim.
Territory: Laps, chairs, my chin, my pillow, anywhere the others have just vacated, the kitchen.

Do I hear food?

* See glossary.


Glossary.

Boop: when inverted by a human, the act of reaching one paw out and pressing it firmly on the humans nose, as if to say " NO!  No further!" See also hush catting.

Chickeny in the leg: When upside down and stretched out, this is what happens to ones back legs, looking like chicken drumsticks, but hairy.

Fat eyes: See thin  eyes.
Heebus/Heebing: Standing one ones back legs, mainly to get a toy on a string, or a just out of reach treat. A full heeb involves waving of front legs, like one is praying.
Hush Catting: Sort of like booping, but with the other front paw on the humans mouth.
Mimlish: Being mimlish means a cat is behaving in a cute but agressive manner.

Mimple: The art of doing something despicable, whilst looking perfect and pure.
Mimping: Prancing along on ones tippy toes, with ones tail held in a hooky manner.
Paff: Smacking someone in the face without using claws, also known as jazz handing.
Peeping: Getting your face close to another cats face, and exchanging greetings with little miow sounds
Pielets: Small balls of chest fluff deposited on any surface that one feels like. They may or may not be proto cats.
Plimping/Plimper: Plimping is a bit like mimping, but done in a more purposeful manner.
Squinching: The art of having one eye slighly closed to give a lopsided expression.
Teapotting: Neatly sitting upright with ones neck extended to full length, to see whats going on.
Trousers: Proud and super fluffy haunches.
Thin eyes: Making ones eyes look sorrowful, like a waif who has never been fed "Please sir, can I have some more?" When this act is done immediately post feeding, it is know as giving someone the fat eye.

Evil furry donuts and a migratory wall.

It has been overly long since I last posted. I've been continually low, so have not felt up to doing anything much. Sorry about that.
The first violets of spring  were spotted when we went out litter picking last week, so that was a little cheer making at least.

Now I just wait for an insect to sit on my face.

Also, the wall on the path into town has started its spring migration. Or that is at least what I presume is happening. It was fine during the winter, but now half of it is on the other side of the path from where it usually is. I'm sure, come the autumn, the wall will be back, maybe even with some wall-lets. I can watch them frolic on the golf course.

migratory path is from right to left.

The cats have been odd....Well odd by our standards, but by cat standards they are probably quite sane. Ruth decided that the house needed consolidating, so now we have a library/office room < not popular with cats, but great for wi-fi>, and a living room where the sofa and the tv are in the same room<popular with humans and our cat overlords>. The beanbag is also there. after some initial border disputes, involving Mim, sitting on the back of the sofa and jumping gleefully on anything/one who passed, things have settled a wee bit. Mystery has taken to lurking on my beanbag, as it is both near the radiator, and is dark brown, so he can hide in plain sight, like the ninja he is. He did try sitting on the back of the sofa, but kept either falling off, or having his butt sniffed by the Apricot nightmare, which hurt his kitty dignity. He sleeps in the middle of my bean bag, like the evil hairy filling in a doom donut.

Dignity? I am positively made of it, dear chap!

On several occasions we have encountered the queen of pain, and the orange horror cohabiting on the sofa. I believe it to have been declared neutral ground, where they can meet and discuss the division of territory.

Negotiations in progress. 

Mim: I require, nay DEMAND, the dining room table top.
Pie: But it is very uncomfortable. * gently farts*
Mim: None the less, disgusting one, I wish it. It takes my fancy to watch the birds through the window. The unsuspecting foooooools! * rubs her precious paws together, evilly*
Pie: Fine, but I get to sleep on the male humans pillow. * burps smellily*
Mim: Agreed, as long as you do not stray onto the female humans fuzzy fleece, or so help me I will cut you, cut you HARD.
Pie: As you wish Mi'Lady.
Mystery: Quiet morsels! I must sleep, for tonight I plan to poop most mightily.

Touch my belly, I dare you.

Tomorrow I shall post something about the  various names of the cats, and household names for things they do.

The belly black hole,

How the hell does one cat manage to eat so much? Yes Mr Pie, I'm looking at you, you orange tubber.
Now then..... Pie is an old cat, we think 13/14 years> he is a bit  <well quite a lot> smelly, skinny of haunch, ribby and thin. He is also quite a small cat. Yes, he is wormed <which is good due to the fact worms are  spew inducingly gross>.
I have never, however, seen a cat who will eat so much stuff, and such a varied diet. I've even seen him eat Mystery's sick, one of the grimmest things ever.
Anyhow......Today he ate his food, and then made a dash for the black avengers bowl. Not normally a wise move, as Mystery is twice his size and made of muscles and sharp things. Mystery was sadly being discombobulated by me putting the recycling out, so  Pie single mindedly ate his food in a most loud and disgusting manner, before running to the queen of pains bowl, and polishing that off too. He then came back and miowed at me to feed him, the furry chancer.

So full....can't....move.

He reminds me of the tale of Utgard-Loki, Yes, I think my fat ginger catten may be the Midgaard serpent, in disguise.

Time share roof, and night time terror.

First off. Yes. I am painting still, but its a super secret project for someone *Looks askance*, so you will have to wait to hear about it.

The Queen of pain is expanding her sphere of influence. No longer content with owning the realm of bed, and controlling Bathroomvia, she has stepped outside. Thats right, she has colonized the roof.
We were sitting watching telly the other night, when there was a thunderous rumble. Was it the rumble of thunder? No! It was the rumble of tiny white paws charging up and down the roof. She has annexed the slates, or so she thinks.

I can survey my realm from here....Also I want that bacon I can smell.

However there is a  rival who takes over when she sleeps. Mim doesn't know this though, and unless she figures how to use my laptop she never will.
Let me tell you how I stumbled upon this dark knowledge:
After a restless night I awoke, only to find it still dark-ish..... but not so dark as I couldn't see the orange horrors posterior aimed squarely at my face, as he whiffily slept on my chest. I knew he was loaded and ready to fire <cos he always is> so I wiggled slightly to get him to move over, and that is when I heard it.
Ker-chunk! 
"What in the name of the gods was that?"

Crunkle-shuffle-shuffle
I gulped nervously, wondering what manner of night demon was clawing through the roof.

I wiggled down nder the duvet a bit, as we all know the duvet is guard against all forms of night horror.
"TwiIt TWoOoOoo-Hooo"
I jumped so hard I launched Mr Pie from my chest merely with the power of my shoulder blades contracting. It was a real "brown duvet" moment.
< Coincidentally, the duvet cover is actually brown, so no one would have known.....>

Yes, Mouse-render the tawny owl has stolen Mim's crown as king/queen of the castle, but only between the hours of midnight to seven A.M.

I am nemesis of the voooooooole.

Spring has definitely hit with a vengeance, Mystery is getting into practice, by trying to hunt the Collard doves, who out wit him, whilst looking like emo pigeons. The slaughter season, where the cats wade through a see of small crunchy things is nigh.

Going to listen to some My Chemical Romance, then get brutally eaten alive....awesome.

Crouching Tiger, hidden Mystery.

We have some new furniture, a very nice wooden bookcase that we are using to replace the CD storage unit, where the CD s would fall in a beautiful cascade of broken cases and fluttering inserts, every we time we did anything near them. I do mean anything.... like blink. I swear a voles heart beat would set them tumbling <Mim would help us with this, if it was vole season>  The case has a section with doors on at the bottom and.......two cat sized shelves.  Ruth took the handles off to clean them, after she polished the unit, and left the doors slightly open.

Yes its a crappy pic, but you get the idea.

This could only end with some devious feline shennanigans. I watched and waited. Eventually Mystery <stealth beast, usurper of soft furnishings> came zooming out of the garden, past the Mr Pie <orange horror, maker of smells>, who was standing by the kitchen door, hit Pie in the head... and then vanished.

Predator? .... Pah! Rank ameteur.

Pie launched  <I say launched, he sort of jumped shook his poor paw and scooched into the living room in a nervous, indignant way > into the living room and clawed to a halt looking round in bemusement. Where was his nemesis? In the bathroom? No. Under the table? No. That meant he must be in the other living room.

Where in the name of ceiling cat, is he?

As he passed the new unit, I espied a baleful yellow eye glinting with malevolence from within. Mere moments later the black spear of lethality  exploded from his lair, smashing into Pie like a hairy sledge hammer. Pie fell over.
Mystery scampered away into the other room, where I heard yowling as he ran face first into the queen of pain, who had been waiting round the corner the whole time.

When the rodent revolution comes.....Actually, I don't think there will be enough of them left to start a revolution.

Truly, she is a patient force of evil.

The ongoing turf conflict is going to see one of them up for war crimes soon. I hope there are no mouse jurors.