Well good gods above! It's me and I'm back!
Sooooooooo..... it is now 2018, and we are living in the future. The future is very much like the past, except some stuff has changed. America has a scary orange man in charge of it, Britain has shot itself in the foot and decided europe smells, the middle east is still burning, Russia has been very naughty in the Crimea, and North Korea has allegedly developed some very big fireworks. Tumultuous times.

It's also been about four years since I posted anything here.
"How are you Simon?" I bet few of you are asking. Well, the reply I will give you is "pretty ok actually, thanks".
Things have changed a fair bit in my life. My daughter (you remember her, the gothy girl, who I pretended was a vampire on account of her aversion to daylight) has moved off to university, and is doing well.
My wife and I are still together, and although times have been pretty rough on us both, we are working through stuff.
I have got a job too! My opening gambit to my now boss was " GIVE ME A JOB, FOR F**KS SAKES!" and it seemed to work. I like working, working gives me purpose, and purpose makes me a better person ( The new meds help too). Having money is nice too.
The only downside is I am still in a lot of pain with my back, and my eyesight makes things awkward quite often.
All has changed with the cats. Mystery succumbed to his car related injuries, The marmalade nightmare (Mr Pie) got old and creaky, and just stopped working one evening. He died with us all sitting around him, being fussed, and is buried next to Mystery.
Mim is sadly no longer with us either. She'd been looking a bit peaky, so we made an appointment to have her checked up on at the vets. We came down the next morning, and she couldn't walk. We rushed her in to the surgery, and were told the worst, she had a saddle thrombosis, and the only kind thing to do was have her put to sleep. We were shocked and heartbroken. We miss her very much, our sunburst kitten. I'm sure she's eating mouse faces, and raising heck in the kitty afterlife. We buried her next to the boys. The dream team reunited.
Sparrow (the stray who stayed) is still a fatty fat fat fat, and is mooching food from all the neighbours. He's sort of moved out, and comes to visit, smelling of mackerel and strangers perfume. He's incorrigible, lardy, and complainy, but ever so cuddly.

full of festive spirit

Winter the stripy douche cat happened along, we were terribly sad, and kitten broody, and wanted a new furry friend. W saw the picture of this tiny boss eyed kitten that a friends mum had, and before you know it, we were driving to Nottingham to get him. He is an inquisitive little fellow, and likes watching videos of birdies on you tube. He's still stripey, and into everything. He has recently taken to biting my nipples to wake me up in the morning. He's a funny little dude, and a ray of sunshine.

Winter, stuck in a tree

We have new cats! Three whole cats! (maybe a fourth very soon - watch this space)
First off, after mim died, we were bereft, and cat broody. Ruth spotted a rescue cat that we both liked the look of, and so we contacted the shelter. It is a small privately run place, operated by a lovely lady called Cheryl, and her daughter Jade, who take in the  waif and strays, and give them love, food and a chance at a new life. Does that sound like a witness protection scheme for moggies? I think it does, as we know they are all guilty of something. Anyway. They came to visit us, to check we were of sound mind and loving disposition. We passed at least 50% of that test, and so came into receipt of a timid little black and white, three year old girl, called twilight. We didn't like the name, and so renamed her twiglet. She's small and skinny, scared, with a baldy side from her neutering. I commented that she was about the size of my shoe. She is now called shoe. She will only answer to shoe. She lords it over all others by sitting atop the freezer and demanding fusses. her main hobbies include licking hands, headbutting things, playing whilst no one is looking, and punching winter in the face.

Ready for her job at the business factory.

We were happy with derp, winter, and shoe. However, there's always more cats who need a home. Enter shadow (also answers to splatto). She is a year old, and came to us from Cheryl and JAde, from a home where her and a fellow furry feline were being neglected and possibly abused. Initially we thought she was a he. She is a skinny wiry girl, as active as Winter, and more destructive. Water is her thing. She loves jumping in an empty used bath to warm her toes, and playing with dripping taps, running taps, flushing toilets (gross). I've nearly peed on her head more than once. All boxes are hers. ALL OF THEM!

something requires my attention

NO MORE CATS. WE HAVE REACHED CATPACITY (see what I did there? - clever, right?)

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Cat number five. Meet Princess Caroline, named in honour of the pink media mogul from the "Bojack Horseman" cartoon. She was the other cat that was rescued alongside splatto. Timid to the point of being a recluse, all I saw of her for the first week was a pair of owly yellow eyes from under a bed. She was so stressed she over groomed her whole back end, rendering herself bald, apart from charming little puffs of fluff on her shins, like leg warmers, and her huge bushy tail.

She's settled a lot now, and is getting furry again, gentle and friendly, and loves playing zoomies about the house with shadow. Tolerates shoe, hates winter, is terrified of the furry dump truck that is derp. She loves sitting on the to of the banisters, staring and staring at us with those lampy eyes. Also known as PC, and soot sprite. may be in love with Ruth, as she follows her everywhere, including the toilet, bath and bed.

I iz a catserole.

So there we have it. a new brood of misfit loners, with a background.

Watch this space, we are going to meet another waif on saturday.

It's good to be back.

S.