delayed cats, and buttery bitten fingers.

'Ello.

Subsequent to saturdays post, we didn't get to meet minty the sad eyed cat. Unfortunately, Cheryl was laid low by some inconsiderate virus, and we were advised that the visit was a no go for now. As we are off to that there London for a few days at the end of this week (I've not seen my parent's in about five years - I'm a terrible son), we all thought it would be unfair to bring home a new cat, only to leave her with a cat sitter for the best part of a week. So we will be doing the visitation and adoption when we get back. This also gives me a chance to clean under the bed, where she will no doubt hide.

I want to be sick under your bed.

Last night we wormed all the cats, apart from the fat floozy sparrow, who wasn't about. It went something like this:

We got the worming tablets, selected two cats each and commenced battle. Ruth chose winter and PC, I got splatto and shoe. Muttering "may the odds be ever in your favour" we got to work. Winter was instantly like " NOPE, I see what you are up to humans, and will have no part of it" and tried promptly to escape. Ruth with lightning reflexes, got hold of him, and after popping the pill in and closing his mouth, coaxed him into swallowing his medicine. He went a bit poofy and stalked away, slightly disgusted with our behaviour.

I tried the same with splatto, who is a wiggly cat at the best of time. She looked at me asif to say "HELL NO, I just saw what you did to the douche cat, jog on homie" . I got the pill in, she spat it out, I tried again, she spat it out. I tried a third time, she bit me hard on the hand, and then ran like the wind, and stood in the bath shouting "round one to me, shaved monkey butler!" I gave up until a new plan was formulated.

Meanwhile poor Ruth and PC (who is still a bit nervy - the gods alone know how she was mistreated) were involved in a gentle coaxing struggle to get her to eat her meds. oth were getting saddened by the other. Ruth figured that cats like butter, so the tablet was crushed, and mooshed in with some unsalted butter. The pill was eaten, under duress, but PC ended up with a greasy face, and butter all over her chops, like a three year old with an ice cream. She hid under the bed.

I'm ready for you now.

I tried the same tactic with splatto, who by now was wise to me. She ate the butter, but was not happy about it.

Shoe was easy. She was sitting atop my armour in a cupboard, and i merely gave her a slice of ham, with the tablet crushed into it. Job done. 

All four of them were most displeased with us, for getting rid of their potential "belly buddies", but if they will go out committing war crimes on mice, what do they expect?

We were both frazzled too. This was a bad experience for all, and we were both drenched in liquid butter, cat drool, and bits or worming pill. It's not a good look.

I think next time we will use the spot on drops.

Impending kitty visit, and global interest.

Its K day! Not K day like in the film pacific rim, as we are not fighting alien monsters in a giant robot, but K as in kitty visit. We will be heading over to Rhyl after work, to visit Cheryl, Jade, their parrot, and a feline swarm, with an eye to taking a very sad eyed cat into our home. I really hope we get along with her (we have decided a name already, "Araminta", if she's in trouble, or just "Minty" if she's being good). Poor wee thing has had a very troubled life, but more on that this evening.

Not suitable for adoption, Try a cat instead

I enquired of the fuzzy overlords this morning as to their views on a possible new addition to the herd, they didn't seem too concerned. They were mostly more interested in tripping me up in an attempt to get fed. PC did show some signs of disapproval, by jumping in the litter tray, and hoofing litter all over the floor as I walked past, but that may have just been normal feline disdain for their shaved monkey butler. Comments from them included:

Winter: "I put my paw in your mouth this morning, that answer should be enough for you. Now feed me."

Shoe: " I'm Standing on the cooker hob, like I'm not meant to. What of it?"

Splatto: " Your ankles, I shall twirl around them. Feed me!"

PC: " This litter? Yeah it's on the floor now. That will teach you. I'm hungry."

Derp was unavailable for contact because he was at someone else's house, THE HUSSY.

Elsewhere on the interwebz:
Seems like the blog has gained some interest, which I wasn't expecting to be honest, as I ramble on about life as a sentient can opener.

It seems you good people like it. You are weird, but the good kind of weird. My last post racked up over 330 views in one evening! And the geographical distribution of people blew my mind a bit (not difficult, I get impressed when I eat my dinner without getting it on my top). But I thought that it might serve to illustrate what a fantastically small world we really live on. I have had views from: The USA, UK, Canada, Australia, Ireland, France, The Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, Peru, Russia, Kuwait, Hong Kong, Argentina, and Kenya.

My face, it was a bit like this when I read the stats.

This is very cool, and totally unexpected, and I thank you all.

Now, I have things to do, so enjoy your day people of the world, and I shall update you this evening.

S

Well good gods above! It's me and I'm back!
Sooooooooo..... it is now 2018, and we are living in the future. The future is very much like the past, except some stuff has changed. America has a scary orange man in charge of it, Britain has shot itself in the foot and decided europe smells, the middle east is still burning, Russia has been very naughty in the Crimea, and North Korea has allegedly developed some very big fireworks. Tumultuous times.

It's also been about four years since I posted anything here.
"How are you Simon?" I bet few of you are asking. Well, the reply I will give you is "pretty ok actually, thanks".
Things have changed a fair bit in my life. My daughter (you remember her, the gothy girl, who I pretended was a vampire on account of her aversion to daylight) has moved off to university, and is doing well.
My wife and I are still together, and although times have been pretty rough on us both, we are working through stuff.
I have got a job too! My opening gambit to my now boss was " GIVE ME A JOB, FOR F**KS SAKES!" and it seemed to work. I like working, working gives me purpose, and purpose makes me a better person ( The new meds help too). Having money is nice too.
The only downside is I am still in a lot of pain with my back, and my eyesight makes things awkward quite often.
All has changed with the cats. Mystery succumbed to his car related injuries, The marmalade nightmare (Mr Pie) got old and creaky, and just stopped working one evening. He died with us all sitting around him, being fussed, and is buried next to Mystery.
Mim is sadly no longer with us either. She'd been looking a bit peaky, so we made an appointment to have her checked up on at the vets. We came down the next morning, and she couldn't walk. We rushed her in to the surgery, and were told the worst, she had a saddle thrombosis, and the only kind thing to do was have her put to sleep. We were shocked and heartbroken. We miss her very much, our sunburst kitten. I'm sure she's eating mouse faces, and raising heck in the kitty afterlife. We buried her next to the boys. The dream team reunited.
Sparrow (the stray who stayed) is still a fatty fat fat fat, and is mooching food from all the neighbours. He's sort of moved out, and comes to visit, smelling of mackerel and strangers perfume. He's incorrigible, lardy, and complainy, but ever so cuddly.

full of festive spirit

Winter the stripy douche cat happened along, we were terribly sad, and kitten broody, and wanted a new furry friend. W saw the picture of this tiny boss eyed kitten that a friends mum had, and before you know it, we were driving to Nottingham to get him. He is an inquisitive little fellow, and likes watching videos of birdies on you tube. He's still stripey, and into everything. He has recently taken to biting my nipples to wake me up in the morning. He's a funny little dude, and a ray of sunshine.

Winter, stuck in a tree

We have new cats! Three whole cats! (maybe a fourth very soon - watch this space)
First off, after mim died, we were bereft, and cat broody. Ruth spotted a rescue cat that we both liked the look of, and so we contacted the shelter. It is a small privately run place, operated by a lovely lady called Cheryl, and her daughter Jade, who take in the  waif and strays, and give them love, food and a chance at a new life. Does that sound like a witness protection scheme for moggies? I think it does, as we know they are all guilty of something. Anyway. They came to visit us, to check we were of sound mind and loving disposition. We passed at least 50% of that test, and so came into receipt of a timid little black and white, three year old girl, called twilight. We didn't like the name, and so renamed her twiglet. She's small and skinny, scared, with a baldy side from her neutering. I commented that she was about the size of my shoe. She is now called shoe. She will only answer to shoe. She lords it over all others by sitting atop the freezer and demanding fusses. her main hobbies include licking hands, headbutting things, playing whilst no one is looking, and punching winter in the face.

Ready for her job at the business factory.

We were happy with derp, winter, and shoe. However, there's always more cats who need a home. Enter shadow (also answers to splatto). She is a year old, and came to us from Cheryl and JAde, from a home where her and a fellow furry feline were being neglected and possibly abused. Initially we thought she was a he. She is a skinny wiry girl, as active as Winter, and more destructive. Water is her thing. She loves jumping in an empty used bath to warm her toes, and playing with dripping taps, running taps, flushing toilets (gross). I've nearly peed on her head more than once. All boxes are hers. ALL OF THEM!

something requires my attention

NO MORE CATS. WE HAVE REACHED CATPACITY (see what I did there? - clever, right?)

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Cat number five. Meet Princess Caroline, named in honour of the pink media mogul from the "Bojack Horseman" cartoon. She was the other cat that was rescued alongside splatto. Timid to the point of being a recluse, all I saw of her for the first week was a pair of owly yellow eyes from under a bed. She was so stressed she over groomed her whole back end, rendering herself bald, apart from charming little puffs of fluff on her shins, like leg warmers, and her huge bushy tail.

She's settled a lot now, and is getting furry again, gentle and friendly, and loves playing zoomies about the house with shadow. Tolerates shoe, hates winter, is terrified of the furry dump truck that is derp. She loves sitting on the to of the banisters, staring and staring at us with those lampy eyes. Also known as PC, and soot sprite. may be in love with Ruth, as she follows her everywhere, including the toilet, bath and bed.

I iz a catserole.

So there we have it. a new brood of misfit loners, with a background.

Watch this space, we are going to meet another waif on saturday.

It's good to be back.

S.