Sunday, 8 April 2012

A field guide to the cats.

As I promised, herein lies some things to help with the identification of the triumvirate of evil that rules our house with a paw of iron. < A cat with iron paws would be awesome in a paff* fight > Also included is a glossary of terms used in the household, to describe the actions that are undertaken in the war for soft furnishing supremacy.

Madame Mim:
A.K.A The queen of pain, Princess trousers*, Long toe, Mimlet, The Mimsicle, Ninja leg,  Mimulator.
Appearance: A small Calico cat, with one black front leg, precious little white paws <with unusually long toes>, a bandit mask, half and half coloured ears, and a tail like a toilet brush. She is has little white fangs, and more spikey clawed bits than is considered appropriate in polite society.
Demeanor: Generally self possessed and moderately affectionate around humans. Suffers bouts of rage when turned upside down, and boops* noses  as a show of displeasure. Around other cats, she feigns an attitude of indifference, until they get within striking range.
Territory: Fairly much anywhere she wishes, as most of the local cats are scared witless of her. Prefers the bedroom, but will settle without notice on any surface, especially if said surface is needed for something.
Then BLAM! She eats your face.

A.K.A The boy, Lord Heebington, Mystery T. Cat, The do, Mr nose for a nose, The heebus*, The plimper*

Appearance: Large, black, and shiny. He is a sleek mass of rippling muscle, with a saggy belly. Looks dignified, even though his pinky tongue sticks out quite often. Heavily scarred from a life of combat, putting his face into things he shouldn't and maybe even squirrel related wounds. Has fangs a sabre toothed cat would be proud of, and has kitchen devil blades for claws. Slightly greying around the ruff, and walks with a limp, a result of stopping a speeding car with his pelvis.
Demeanor: Lovey and a bit skittish with humans. Keeps to himself, and is quite quiet around other cats, unless they get too close, or sniff him. Is prone to outbursts of mad running about chasing stuff, is a ferocious killer, and wanted by the court of mice for genocide. Catnip addict.
Territory: The spare room, all boxes within the house, the bean bag, and any shopping bags or paper left on the floor.

The warrior in repose.

A.K.A The belly, Pider, Mr Pie, The apricot nightmare, The orange horror, Fuzzbag, "that bloody cat", Old man, Fatty fat fat fat .

Appearance: The real life Bagpuss. Old, limps as his front right foot is a bit arthritic, is a mass of ginger and white teddy bear fur that sticks out in all directions <and randomly litters the floor with pielets*> has one squinchy* eye from a possibly Mystery inflicted battle wound. Is mostly made of ribs, and has a cannon ball for a belly. Sneezes in faces, farts a lot, and is followed by a slightly eggy smell. Does have fangs and claws but is not very keen or able to use either, unless food is involved.
Demeanor: Quite shy and timid with people until he gets to know them, unless you have food, then you are automatically in his good books. Will sit on any part of any food giving human, covering them in fluff. Is mean and antagonistic to other cats when the food fork comes out, and is quite capable of eating his own bodyweight in anything, including other cats sick.  Masterful scrounger, giving the thin eye* to people just to get extra food. He would be a confidence trickster if he had thumbs. At other times, he has been known to be very sweet and friendly to the other cats, including peeping* conversations with Mim.
Territory: Laps, chairs, my chin, my pillow, anywhere the others have just vacated, the kitchen.

Do I hear food?

* See glossary.


Boop: when inverted by a human, the act of reaching one paw out and pressing it firmly on the humans nose, as if to say " NO!  No further!" See also hush catting.

Chickeny in the leg: When upside down and stretched out, this is what happens to ones back legs, looking like chicken drumsticks, but hairy.

Fat eyes: See thin  eyes.
Heebus/Heebing: Standing one ones back legs, mainly to get a toy on a string, or a just out of reach treat. A full heeb involves waving of front legs, like one is praying.
Hush Catting: Sort of like booping, but with the other front paw on the humans mouth.
Mimlish: Being mimlish means a cat is behaving in a cute but agressive manner.

Mimple: The art of doing something despicable, whilst looking perfect and pure.
Mimping: Prancing along on ones tippy toes, with ones tail held in a hooky manner.
Paff: Smacking someone in the face without using claws, also known as jazz handing.
Peeping: Getting your face close to another cats face, and exchanging greetings with little miow sounds
Pielets: Small balls of chest fluff deposited on any surface that one feels like. They may or may not be proto cats.
Plimping/Plimper: Plimping is a bit like mimping, but done in a more purposeful manner.
Squinching: The art of having one eye slighly closed to give a lopsided expression.
Teapotting: Neatly sitting upright with ones neck extended to full length, to see whats going on.
Trousers: Proud and super fluffy haunches.
Thin eyes: Making ones eyes look sorrowful, like a waif who has never been fed "Please sir, can I have some more?" When this act is done immediately post feeding, it is know as giving someone the fat eye.


  1. Mimping - an act known as frinking here in Frigemallia, generally finishing with a vibrato flourish in the derriere department.


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